Thursday, August 27, 2015

Lost Without Normal — Again

Whenever I take an online survey (and I do this fairly frequently to earn points = rewards) there are all these categories I no longer fit in.  When faced with the choices below, now I hesitate:

           ·      single   
              ·      married
              ·      separated
              ·      divorced
              ·     widowed                  
And next on those surveys, I stumble when asked my zip code.  From habit, I put my "home" address but that's not where I'm living.  I'm a vagabond these days.  About to be moving here, there, and everywhere over the next few months.  

On some level, it's fine to be "footloose and fancy-free" and on another level  it's pretty disconcerting.  
The past ten weeks I've been in South Carolina I've had two different chunks of work.  Both projects kept me busy, but now that those projects are complete and I'm leaving this home, I feel as if I'm floating without an anchor, adrift at sea.                           

In March 2013 I wrote a post, Lost Without Normal, and for some reason it's by far the most widely read post I've written.  Now, two and a half years later, I find that some of what I wrote is oddly reminiscent of how I'm feeling today.

The world as I knew it has changed.

Some things are stable.  My wonderful, supportive, loving, patient, thoughtful, caring  husband is still here with me day in and day out  thank God.  I'm still living in the same home in the same town, with the same terrific friends  thank goodness.  But the rest? The rest is in flux.  No routine, no schedule, no normal.  Now that I have the time to do just about anything I like, need, or want, it's a struggle to get things done.  I'm facing a time when I soon won't be bringing in any regular income.  I need to build my business.  I need to be networking, networking, networking.  And I will.  But it's gonna be a struggle.  

Well my world has certainly changed  again.  

My husband is still "wonderful, supportive, loving, patient, thoughtful, caring" but no longer with me.  

I'm not in the same home  not in the same town.

Still no routine  no schedule.

When I'm not aware of it, I find my left thumb scraping the back of my ring finger.  I guess I'm searching for the familiar metal of the rings which are no longer there.  Now the slight indentation that resulted from the decades-long presence of those rings is disappearing.  Soon there will be no crease, no pale lines to mark where those rings once were.

                                 I'm not a couple, but I'm not single.  

                                 I'm separated, but I'm still married.

                                 I have a home, but I don't live there.

I'm feeling utterly unstable and uncertain.  And it's not the only uncertain thing in my life these days.
I need to find my new normal.    Again.

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