I guess you can tell — I'm having a hard time writing. It makes no sense, no sense at all. Before — when I was working full time — I stuck to my self-imposed routine, twice a week, post on Thursdays and Sundays and I kept to that schedule pretty religiously for over a YEAR. It meant writing at 10, 11, midnight, 1 in the morning — but I did it. And I did it with not much angst.
True, after I wrote something I'd be worried. Always thinking the writing was flat. Flat meant lifeless, boring. But after I posted, I'd see the stats of the pageviews going up and see that there was a small contingent in the United Kingdom reading and even at that late hour, some in the US — probably West Coasters. In a day or so I'd get an email or a call or sometimes a Comment would be posted and I'd know that someone liked what I wrote and know that the words resonated with someone out there and I could sigh with relief that for that moment the writing wasn't flat or boring or worthless.
But now that I'm not working full time every day, now that I have the time, now that I don't have the pressure to squeeze the writing in — now is when I'm having a tough time writing. Tough meaning I can't write.
Maybe it's because the world as I knew it has changed.
The office I went to every day for almost five years, I'm no longer going to. The institutional work home I've had for the past 17 years — replete with all its resources, tech support, access to anything and everything just a phone call away — is gone. Our daughter just moved far away, a couple we've known for almost 40 years moved back to New York, and — and — my sister-in-law passed away in January. The world as I knew it has changed.
Some things are stable. My wonderful, supportive, loving, patient, thoughtful, caring husband is still here with me day in and day out — thank God. I'm still living in the same home in the same town, with the same terrific friends — thank goodness. But the rest? The rest is in flux. No routine, no schedule, no normal. Now that I have the time to do just about anything I like, need, or want, it's a struggle to get things done. I'm facing a time when I soon won't be bringing in any regular income. I need to build my business. I need to be networking, networking, networking. And I will. But it's gonna be a struggle.
I need to find my new normal.