Friday, February 5, 2016


For the purposes of this post, all names have been altered to spare anyone embarrassment...except for ME.

Thinking it was finally time to start seeking male companionship I thought, "Why not try"

I already knew three people  all slightly older than I am and all people I liked  who found five, yes FIVE, successful, happy marriages between them.

Clearly this was an indication that through it was possible to find true love.

And  this is important  there was a free 7-day trial.  What was there to lose?

My sanity for one.

Not to mention time.

First, you answer a series of questions that categorize you and the person you're looking for  in the broadest of terms: physical characteristics, age range, hobbies, likes, religious and social habits.  Fair enough.

Next, you write a much or how little is up to you.  I simply said I was looking for someone to share a meal, movie or museum visit with  I wrote next to nothing because I just didn't know what I wanted to say. And yet soon my inbox was filling with all sorts of unknown and difficult-to decipher communications.  


a "wink
                 a "like
                                a "chat
                                                 possibly leading to ... an email.

At first, it seemed novel and fascinating...guys were reaching out to me, wanting to contact me, liked me!  Each communication I opened was a new possibility, an opening in the closed universe I'd been living in this past year.  I clicked on the link to view their profile, looked at their photo (if there was one), and then read how they described themselves and what they said they were looking for in a woman.

Some wrote gushingly; others forthrightly, some with humor.  Some put next to no effort; everyone was looking for the love of their life.  

Often when I'd click on someone who really looked promising, I'd get:

The profile you're looking for is not available at this time.

Instead take a look at these.
It made no sense. Where were they? Why weren't they available to see? 

And then there were the ones I was able to see.  Well, they were time-consuming.

I'd read through and be interested but then
  then I'd see that the guy was in his 30s or 40s or be living in Miami, Baylor, Texas, San Diego, even Nashua, New Hampshire or Butte, Montana! What the F**K? Why would anyone be trying to date someone that lived states away?  MY profile I said I was looking for someone within 20 miles of New York was this filter not working?

It took me three days to figure out that I wasn't actually seeing my "mutual matches." To see the guys who fit what I was looking for, I had to go to Search Mutual Matches...and then a whole crop of pics and profiles popped up.  And it took me that long to figure out that there were people who were just looking for an electronic pen pal. Someone to add a little vicarious excitement to one's life and "chatting" through match was a way to do this. 

Love2loveU thought I wrote "a lovely profile that makes me want to get to know you" and worldtraveller "enjoyed my profile and thinks "we could meet for coffee and start a conversation ..I'm looking for a serious relationship, but leave me a text and I will send you one." Or TruthfulOne who emailed "I wanted so much to meet you from your profile and pic. You have this intriguing and intense look about you that I love it. I would enjoy talking with you... " and more and more and more. But their emails often seemed as intense as a therapy session.  Way too much information for an opening salvo and far too revealing for my sensibilities.  It just seemed insincere and uncomfortable.

I went through those mutual matches but anyone who said they played basketball five times a week, or put camping and hiking first on their list of interests or said they were "God-fearing" or "NEVER" drank, well these were clearly not the best matches for me.

If they were looking for "athletic and toned," not me.

If they were looking for someone who wanted to settle down for prolonged kisses and a life together, well, that just wasn't me at this moment.

Eventually, after days and hours of sorting, reading, deleting, replying, "You look nice but you're too far away...good luck in the search!", I got down to three men that looked good to me, sounded nice, had similar interests and were in New York City. [Or so I thought.]

I decided to email a message expressing interest.  And they each replied.

All looking for true love, a "one-man woman," someone who wouldn't break their hearts.

One was in Shanghai on extended business.

The next was in Brazil.

The last was deployed in Iraq handling bombs and ammunition, not due back until end of March. (Or was he? Turns out there's a huge scam of men claiming to be in the military but simply wanting some electronic entertainment from the wife, and saying you're in the military gets you a free pass from any one-on-one involvement.)

It left me totally, totally, TOTALLY confused and disappointed.  I just want to sit across from another human being at a Starbucks and talk.  Is that so impossible?

How are people successful at this?  

What am I NOT getting?

On day seven, I was relieved to quit the whole thing and give up on the online version of the dating game.  The thought of trying eHarmony or OurTime made me squirm.

Time to go back to the old-fashioned way.

Tried going in to a neighborhood bar by myself for a glass of wine, just hoping to meet some other singles to talk to but couldn't do it.  I just stood outside the door looking in or walked back and forth thinking I'd propel myself inside, but didn't have the nerve to go in...

Know someone you want to introduce me to?? 


  1. I love this story! When I tried many years ago, they evaluated me as being a potential match to only 6% of men! (I eventually met someone who was evaluated as a match to only 3% of women and we dated for awhile--not an especially good idea...) I personally preferred eHarmony. It costs money, which seems to make people more serious (and less likely to be pretending to be in the military--no one wants an eHarmony charge to appear on the statement of a credit card they share with their spouse!). Oddly (I haven't figured out what this says about me), on eHarmony I had to weed through a lot of matches who were gun nuts and listed Ayn Rand as their favorite author or the person with whom they'd most like to share a meal, but the men I eventually met were all really lovely people. (They were so well matched to me, in fact, that we could almost finish each other's sentences. At that point in my life, that felt to me then a little too much like I was dating myself, but I think I might appreciate that quality more these days!) So, don't assume that all dating sites are created equal, but if you do make it in the door of that neighborhood bar, let me know and I'll do the same! xoxox, WK


  3. Been there, done that. And it can, indeed, be frustrating. You have to have patience, persistence and very thick skin. And know what you're looking for - and avoid engaging with anyone that's clearly not your match. Don't engage - even to say no thanks. Responding only encourages them.
    I've met attractive, educated, smart and charming women online. (Only one genuine nutjob, and that's another story.) Everyone has a story but everyone sincerely loves their kids and they are struggling with the same family, work, emotional and financial issues that I am.
    Although I say I'm 56 online, I'm 62. I always disclose my age on first meeting someone. Some women wonder why I lie about my age. I do it to meet younger women, in their mid-50s. That's who I want to be with. Is that wrong? For me to lie? Not for me. You do your thing, I'll do mine.
    Here's a pet peeve, though. Pretty consistently, when a woman reaches out to me an asks that we meet, and we do, for drinks or coffee, and the bill comes, the woman never reaches for it or offers to share. YOU ASKED ME OUT! At least share the expense. It always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yes, I'm cheap but this is 2016.
    Also, women tend to give out their cell number almost immediately upon beginning a correspondence. I don't want your number. Not yet, at least. I don't give out my number, or even my name, to anybody until I get some level of comfort with them.
    But, I consider my online dating experiences positively, even thought I see truth in what you wrote above. Also, keep in mind it's a different experience for men.
    Best of Luck,
    Will Weng

  4. Really appreciated this piece, one week into online dating and hating it. Thanks for writing up your experiences.

    1. I'm sorry you're having issues too..I haven't revisited but keep telling myself I should...