Thursday, December 6, 2012

Time To Stop Running
Running running running — seems I've always been running.  From the yelling and the hollering of my childhood.  From the embarrassment and shame during high school.  From the uncertainty and inappropriate relationships of my twenties.  From the transitions in my thirties.  From the demands of my forties and my fifties.  Running running running.  Not apparent on the outside but racing on the inside. Always trying to make myself valuable, make an impression, impress even the complete stranger.  Provide for everyone.   Running running running.  Always running.  

Certainly good came out of it.  For my jobs, for my family, for my friends, for others.  But it wan't always what was best (for everyone I was trying to ingratiate myself with) and it came at a great cost to me.  Took me decades to figure that out (and lots of therapy) but finally, I'm facing what I've been and deciding to do things differently, to be different.   

But change is hard.

My children are always admonishing me that I CAN change — they're always saying it's never too late to change — this in response to my reminding them that I am who I am. And they need to stop trying to reform me and reshape my thinking. But they have a point. Not the point they think they do, but a point nonetheless.

SO I am changing and one of those changes is "opening myself to the universe" as my friend Babs says.  It started this weekend at the beach.  I was hoping, hoping, hoping to find a piece of beach glass because it  makes me feel that my sister is near.  There are times I walk searching the sands for hours and nothing — but the first time out there it was — a piece of brown glass that this photo doesn't do justice.

And then, after that piece was at my feet, the pieces just kept appearing and everyone gave me all the beach glass they found and I felt as if it were a trove...all from Donna.

Next, I started to get presents — a beautiful upcycled computer-parts copper necklace from Nancy.  I don't have or wear a lot of copper but my boss gave me an early-Christmas present a pair of earrings — copper. and then a former boss and friend Thelma surprised me with a key ring — copper. The key ring said...

Carpe diem...seize the day.

The universe is speaking.  

I think I will.

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