To all you readers out there: I know you're reading but it would be really nice if you could become a follower (lower right, below the Labels and the Blog Archive) so I have a sense of who's reading. You don't have to have a photo or even put your full name — but I'd love to know who is following out there...
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Here's what I think. I think that we hold ourselves back emotionally because we think about the other person and decide (for one good reason or another) we can't tell someone what we really feel because you can't put your needs and your wants and your wishes above someone else's. That's what you tell yourself. There's always a reason. And when that reason is gone, well, for me there's always another to take its place. "Oh, she can't because she's got so much on her plate right now." Or "She can't because she's not able to hear it." Or, "You need to make allowances for him, he's getting older." Or, or, or...whatever. There's always a reason you can't say what you feel. I can't say what I feel.
I don't know — I only know that for me honesty trumps almost everything and yet — I struggle with being honest when it comes to expressing my true feelings when I know they're bound to upset someone else. I can talk myself out of saying what I want to because I think (sometimes I know) the recipient won't actually hear me. But should that matter? Isn't it more important to just share those feelings and see what happens?
I'm trapped by feeling that saying what's in my heart is selfish — and being selfish — that's not allowed. But some people live their lives putting themselves first and don't see it as selfish. Is it? Are they?
Births, weddings, deaths — they bring out the best in families and they bring out the worst.
Good question! I've come to believe it has to do with what is healthy for oneself! And what the goal or purpose is behind saying something. If we need to say something for ourselves, then it's important. If it feels too questionable, then I find my best release is to write an email that I save in "draft". It is healthy to say what one needs to say tho it doesn't always have to be said to that person. Getting it out of oneself s what is needed. It can be reviewed at another time for it's relevance, to determine if it needs to be shared/said to that person. Sometimes just by typing/writing it out, and never sending it, it had been said and released without leaving one's mouth. Wrestling with it is unhealthy; it builds up and consumes oneself. It is never gone. Say it or don't say it, but release it...it can also be said aloud, alone, to the invisible person. You'll know when you are free of it or if it needs to be said to the person. Sometimes it just needs to be released again, privately, because it wasn't all "emptied" the first time. Timing does play a part..timing for oneself, not for the person! (If you write the unsent email, be sure to leave name on email blank or send it to self, to be safe!). If something does leave one's lips on the spot, it was needed to be said - for oneself... there is no right or wrong. Intention will determine if the tongue needs biting. You mentioned family related occasions... Ah, family! Take a few slow, deep breaths, count to 3 or 10, and then decide if it's important for you! As you did mention, it may not even be heard. For the most part, people hear because they want to... Either because they care enough to hear it -to listen- or because they want to add fuel to a fire. So, to answer you... I believe it is both healthy AND selfish. And that's ok.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your approach to this dilemma. Writing to release is a great idea and I believe blogging is in many ways the very same approach. But perhaps I should have added "cowardly" to the mix? Perhaps this way of releasing/expressing is a bit cowardly...thanks so much for the thoughtful feedback!
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