And I realize I don't really know myself because I have always shrugged off what people told me about me. I assumed that everyone was just like me but I find that's not true.
Recently I learned that most people I've asked say that when they stand up for themselves, when they assert themselves, they feel vulnerable. I don't. I don't know why I don't feel vulnerable but I don't. I pretty much always say what I think and what I feel. Yes, at times it gets me in trouble, causes me difficulty, gains me admiration, but it doesn't elicit any sense of vulnerability and yet, I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable to show what's inside. I am perplexed at this.
People tell me I'm a good writer. I usually think that most people can write well and that the individual is just being nice to me. Now I'm starting to take that feedback in and allow myself to see that this is a talent that I can and should identify with.
So in the spirit of writing my truths, and discovering who I REALLY am, here are my New Year's Resolutions:
- I'm going to finally use all those beautiful soaps that people have given me or I have gotten over the years — because I was "saving them ." [Recently I was given a lovely set of four bars from my dear "rescued-and-took-me-home-from-a Broadway-play friend. Here's what I did with them.]
- I'm going to realize that if I want my scalp stimulated, I'm going to have to brush my own hair for pleasure — and other things too.
- I'm gonna try my best to continue living what Oprah might call, my "authentic" life. I don't really know what she exactly says about that (because she's said and written so much) but it seems pretty self-evident. My interpretation? That I'm trying to focus on looking inward and then looking outward to understand how what I say and do impacts others. At times, it's the exact opposite of my intention! I'm often blind-sided by how something I've said makes the other person feel.
- I'm going to continue "letting go and allowing the current to take me," as my hometown dear friend wrote me. I hadn't thought of it that way, but my college buddy said much the same thing to me when she said, "Let it just evolve. You don't need to have a plan." I needed that because I've been letting it concern me that I don't have a plan; that I don't know what "my new normal" is.
- I'm going to continue to be responsible but also enjoy things. This is the very first time in my life that I have a financial cushion. (And it feels fabulous!!!)
- I'm going to work toward having a true adult relationship with my children who are really not children but young adults (but will always be "my children"). And I'm going to keep on navigating my relationship with their father because despite the split, we are still a family.
- I'm going to get back into a routine of writing here regularly. Not the twice a week regularity I had for almost three years, but commit to SOME routine.
- I'm going to dance more! This gives me great pleasure and — now that my son gave me a Libratone Zipp — it's something I can do at home.
In fact I can dance any time, anywhere. (I can be seen dancing at a Manhattan bus stop or in my car on line to get gas at Costco...)
- And finally, I'm going to be more grateful (every day) for ALL that I have — most especially for all the love and support and guidance I have gotten from my dear, dear friends and from all of you.
For the first time in forever, I think these are New Year's resolutions I can keep.
Health and happiness to you and yours in 2017...