Mothers and Daughters

Dr. Annie Cotten, a lovely older woman I know who is a licensed marriage and family therapist, shared with me one of her research questionnaires.  Whether you're a daughter or not, perhaps you'll be moved to answer these questions about your relationship with your mom.

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List the event in your life which triggered the most positive (best) event in your relationship with your mother. What specific behavior occurred? How old were you then and where were you on this occasion?

It was the first time I was home from college.  My mother and I went shopping. I was 18 and driving my mother’s yellow Bonneville on Rte 17 in NJ and we were having some conversation when she said, “I think people should live together before they get married.”  I almost drove off the road!   When I said in shock, “WHAT ??”  she said that living together was hard enough and it was better to find out how you really got along BEFORE you got married.  

It FLOORED me.  It was very contrary to her earlier pronouncements when I was in high school that a man and a woman could not sleep in the same room together without having sex — no matter how I tried to convince her that in fact this WAS possible, she just didn't believe it. 

Though I’d always known my mother was forward-thinking, that moment I realized my mother was far more open-minded than I had given her credit for and it made me see her in a very different way.

Now explain the event in your life which triggered the most negative (worst) event in your relationship with your mother? 

I was always disappointed that my parents did not help me financially even though I had been through some very tough times. I had a brother who was constantly a drain on them financially throughout my life — since my tweens. They barely helped me with paying for college, they didn't pay for my wedding.  They didn't even offer us assistance when my husband was unemployed, we had twin babies, and I wasn't working.  Though we never asked, a number of family and friends on both sides sent us money to tide us over.  

When I was in my mid-forties, my mother asked my sister (who was 7-1/2 years older and much closer to my mother) what was I still hurt/angry about all these years later and my sister mentioned this lack of financial support.  My mother’s response?  “Well she never asked.”  When my sister (who lived in California) told me this over the phone, I was infuriated.   I never asked?  I never asked because my brother’s continuous legal issues taxed them so, I felt I couldn't ask.  I didn't want to be a burden. But I expected their help when I needed it; they were the parents, the adults.

Though I never had this experience with my mother (my sister was the conduit of this information) and I never brought it up — it changed how I felt about my mother.  Within a few years my mother developed dementia. I fought for legal guardianship (as my sister was too ill to do this and asked me to) and my mother came to live with us for two 
years until her death but it never seemed “the right time” to bring it up.  


It still hurts and hurts worse to know that my own children may want something from me that I am not giving them.  I hope they ask.  I hope I respond.