Thursday, March 22, 2012


On March 26 it will be seven years since my mother passed away.

Passed away...I’ve come to hate this gentle term that is meant to kindly refer to the loss of those we love. There is no “kindly” nor “gentle” about these losses. They rip and hurt and scar and damage and deplete and sometimes deaden. The death of one we love is often a partial death of ours as well. And while the departed is gone and so is their death, for those remaining, the death continues dying within us. The dying is referenced by the loss of things past, present and future. 

Every time you access a memory, remember something this person shared, you feel the loss. The loss of the one person who would’ve been the reality-check on what actually happened. The person who could serve to triangulate the memory — “Was this how it really was?”

Every time something happens — something good or something bad — you really feel the loss of the one you want to call and tell it to and get the response you were looking for — the “I’m SO sorry.” or “What the f#!@k ??” or “OH-that is so GREAT!!” or "What was she/he THINKING?"

Every time some milestone is approaching or the dream of a milestone filters into your brain — a graduation, a birthday, an anniversary, a wedding, a birth — you sadden at the knowledge that you will never be able to share this future with the one you loved. They won't be present and you feel the death a little bit more.

Some things help. Some do not. It’s hard to say what can make someone feel better about the loss, but in truth, it’s completely subjective. It matters not whether the departed was loved or hated. Both extremes lead to an inner dying. The death of one we hated is often worse as we never get to resolve what was not right; what wasn't fair; what has been left unsaid.

It’s only indifference that lets you off this hook.


  1. OMG great pictures .............brought a tear to my eyes.............thanks for

    1. My Nana died in September of 2010, and my mother, the week before this past Christmas. And, my precious Chihuahua, December of 2010. I miss them all, and losing them has sent me into a deep grief that I have to believe that someday, will be lessened. I see too that the death of our loved ones brings some death to the ones left behind. I just hope that this part that is still alive will enjoy life again. My mother's birthday was Saint Patrick's day. She would have been 73.

  2. Really great pictures. I remember her so clearly. Still can't believe they flew down here with my parents to check on me in 1976. They all stayed a couple of days. This was the trip that your Dad brought the giant skewers in his suitcase. I had been married six years at this point. I had not told anyone that I was pregnant...until I met them at the airport in a maternity shirt---on it was an arrow pointing down with the word BABY...what a hoot...they all hooped and hollered.

    You know, what I remember about your Mom was her diplomacy....she always said the right things for whatever the circumstances were. We all could learn from her style and grace

  3. my mom died in 1986 and my dad in 1987. even now, i sometimes reach for the phone to call (particularly my mom) when something good or bad happens. it's weird. while going through millions of papers and photos here, i came across some great old pictures which i think now maybe i'll put out somewhere. i know they say time heals. maybe not so much?

  4. I remember how your mom was always taking care of everything and everybody. She always seemed so busy (and now I know how that feels!!). The pictures of her were great.

    My mom died in May 2009. I miss her every day. I think of her every single day. Not one day has passed that she has not entered my mind, some days more than others. Sometimes I beg her to go shopping with me. And if I find something that really looks great on me, I know she picked it out. Sometimes I ask her to make a decision for me and wait for some sign that she is giving me. And I try to do things she would want me to do. Ugh! Having your best friend and your mother be the same person is so difficult because when this one person is gone, you have really lost two people in your life and the gap is so huge.