True, after I wrote something I'd be worried. Always thinking the writing was flat. Flat meant lifeless, boring. But after I posted, I'd see the stats of the pageviews going up and see that there was a small contingent in the United Kingdom reading and even at that late hour, some in the US — probably West Coasters. In a day or so I'd get an email or a call or sometimes a Comment would be posted and I'd know that someone liked what I wrote and know that the words resonated with someone out there and I could sigh with relief that for that moment the writing wasn't flat or boring or worthless.
But now that I'm not working full time every day, now that I have the time, now that I don't have the pressure to squeeze the writing in — now is when I'm having a tough time writing. Tough meaning I can't write.
Maybe it's because the world as I knew it has changed.
The office I went to every day for almost five years, I'm no longer going to. The institutional work home I've had for the past 17 years — replete with all its resources, tech support, access to anything and everything just a phone call away — is gone. Our daughter just moved far away, a couple we've known for almost 40 years moved back to New York, and — and — my sister-in-law passed away in January. The world as I knew it has changed.
Some things are stable. My wonderful, supportive, loving, patient, thoughtful, caring husband is still here with me day in and day out — thank God. I'm still living in the same home in the same town, with the same terrific friends — thank goodness. But the rest? The rest is in flux. No routine, no schedule, no normal. Now that I have the time to do just about anything I like, need, or want, it's a struggle to get things done. I'm facing a time when I soon won't be bringing in any regular income. I need to build my business. I need to be networking, networking, networking. And I will. But it's gonna be a struggle.
I need to find my new normal.
One of my favorite authors is Heinrich Boell, the German Nobelist. When asked by a younger person (loosely translated from the German) "What makes you want to write, Herr Boell?" Heinrich replied, "I don't wwrite because I WANT to, I write because I have to." Sounds like you may be in the same boat--there's more wanting to but not the same sense of have to. We (I like to think I am one of those friends you mentioned) still love you and will do whatever you can to help you through.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I share many of these situations. When I wake up most mornings I start collecting the driftwood I find washing up around me hoping to use it to build some structure into my day, my life, but invariably the tide comes in and down it comes and uncertainty is all that is left.. I could pick up rocks and move inland, but I resist keeping my feet dry and have found stability a mirage I don't trust. Write when you can, I look forward to you posts.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I some times think of "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand and wonder where all the common sense people have gone. I wonder about the huge debt the country has and is still amassing, with no view of cutting it to get our house in order. I see the dollar collapsing around us and the president is playing Golf and other games with our American lives. I see our elected leaders trashing the Constitution. I see activist judges making law not administering it (see "Men in Black" by Mark Levin). I see 47% of the country on food stamps. More then all this i see an apathetic public, low information voters (we use to call them morons ), not understanding what is happening to our republic. History has shown we are on the path to destruction, Socialism, Communism, Liberalism, does not work and has never worked in the history of the world. Soooooo I understand your pain
ReplyDeleteYou will get there! it's an adjustment, but you will make the transition. I look forward to your new posts when you are ready.
ReplyDeleteBe patient, you will get there. With a new life, a new beautiful structure will come my friend... sending you much love...
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