Recently when the alarm went off, instead of hitting Snooze I must've hit Off. I didn't get up until 10:00 am. No water fitness for me today. Another day of telling myself to do something. The sun was shining and I thought about getting outside, maybe get on my bike and ride around the American Legion parking lot and see how my knees managed it. That would get me some exercise.
I got my coffee and started to think about the day and all the things I hoped to accomplish. I had cereal for breakfast with blueberries. I hadn't had cereal in forever because I stopped keeping milk in the house — it just went bad.
I tried to be productive on email: deleted all of the new junk, answered what I needed to, took a survey or two, and then focused on some “work” emails. Let me define work ... I am the co-trustee of my friend’s trust and as such, I'm charged with finding nonprofits that are in keeping with my dear friend Ann's love of all things early childhood. It's a wonderful gift to be able to give, but it does take effort, research, due diligence, and lots of inquisitory calls and Zooms to find the right mix and right match that will maximize her gift to help others. There's no shortage of good causes but my challenge is to build a bridge between good causes that enabled the sum to be greater than the parts.
I've been telling myself that I would write a post about this pandemic by the end of the original toilet paper stash — that frenzied race to find/buy/stock up on toilet paper and believe me I did. But that last roll came and went weeks ago (and it wasn't the good stuff from Costco...it was an 8-pack from Dollar Tree) and still I didn't write.
Then I set a new deadline and told myself I'd post by the anniversary, well, my anniversary of when life changed in ways I could scarcely imagine. March 13, 2020 was the last time I went out, with a friend, in a car, exploring a new-to-us small town with a little historical site or two. No masks, no distance, no hesitation to eat in a crowded restaurant — but we did wonder. We did voice out loud, "Should we even be doing this?" How little we knew what was ahead.
Today is the 13th and still, I'm struggling to write anything.
Actually that's not true. I've been writing all the time about pandemic life — but only in my head. So many thoughts about the changes crowded in daily that I was now subdividing the thoughts: How Covid affected me cognitively, physically, socially, emotionally. I even added categories on the impact creatively, operationally. And then there were just the odds and ends that either didn't fit a category or spanned over all of them.
Here's one of those odds and ends umbrella-impacts on my life since pandemic: NO motivation. Motivation is gone.
I see what needs to be done, think about what needs to be done, write down what needs to be done — but I don't do it. Since early December my kitchen has been cluttered with the bins containing my winter clothes. Open plastic bins with the clothes spilling out onto the floor, the remnants of my picking through to find something I wanted to wear. That wardrobe chaos stayed for months until just a week or two ago. Is that normal? I may not be a housekeeper but when I moved into this house I had every thing in place, hung on the walls, and organized within two weeks of move-in. This year I could not get those winter clothes put away.
In my bedroom I look up and see some spider webs on the ceiling and attached to some framed art hanging high. I think about getting the broom and swatting them down. But I never seem to do it.
I have these tiny, little things suspended from the drapery rod in my living room . When I look at this display, I see the two spaces where the metal birdcages with fake birds should be hanging amidst all the others. But I just look at that display and tell myself I'll do it the next day. But I don't.
I don't want you to think I'm wallowing here. Many days are peppered with Zooms for enjoyment, connection, and edification. The lectures and museum visits are the times I can actually get something done, like folding the three loads of laundry that have piled up over two weeks; emptying and reloading the dishwasher, and actually washing those pots and pans piled high in both sinks. I manage to keep up with the foundational things but it sure takes me longer.
When I'm really dragging around, I opt out of the fundamental basic stuff — taking a shower, brushing my teeth, getting dressed. Just going outside can be more than I can manage some days. I'm still food shopping, thrift-store shopping, and going to the Y to exercise in the pool. Yes, but normal seems out of reach.
I have been twice vaccinated and still haven't changed my living habits much...I know I'm not alone in this but l hope I haven't allowed my shrunken-down life to become my only way to live.
The clock is ticking on March 13, 2021. The year has left its mark. I'm going to write more about the impact of this pandemic but for now I'm going to make that self-imposed deadline.
And, I did swat those cobwebs away and I did hang one of those birdcages...lower left...I managed to motivate.
Things are looking up.
